We Watched It For You: ‘The Hateful Eight.’

So, I just watched Quentin Tarantino’s, ‘The Hateful Eight’ and bruh, let me take a moment to gather myself. (…) ‘The Hateful Eight’ is another Tarantino western that takes place in a snow-covered, post-civil war Wyoming. NOTE: If you don’t like spoilers stop reading now as I’m going to skip to the meat of this dialogue-heavy film. Also, note the name of this post; clearly, I’m about to save you $10 so don’t complain, in the comment section, about any leaked information. Ok? Aight?! Cool!

Ok, here we go… Major Marquis Warren (Sam Jackson) is apparently the realest n*gga on earth, having just murdered three white men for a $10,000 bounty.

Bodies son, bodies!

He soon hitches a ride with a very paranoid, John ‘The Hangman’ Ruth (Kurt Russel), who also just so happens to be transporting bounty as well, a female by the name of Daisy Domergue. Now, this Daisy b*tch is straight up disrespectful, bruh; she comes for my n*gga, Warren, when he clearly never sent for her toothless *ss. And while she had a full set of choppers in the beginning of the film, by talking sideways to John and Warren, at this point, she now has a new smile.

The caravan, now consisting of Major Warren, The Hangman, Daisy, and the driver, O.B., races towards the town of Red Rock to collect bounties and find shelter from a fast-approaching blizzard. The Hangman and Warren converse about a letter that President Lincoln wrote to Warren, at which point, Daisy laughs and spits on the letter. Major Warren having channeled his inner Tiffany Pollard, punches Daisy, yet again, out of the caravan. Soon after the inhabitants of the caravan compose themselves, O.B., the driver, spots someone on the horizon, approaching. Enter, Chris Mannix. Although Mannix isn’t, necessarily, a racist, he’s one of those white people who can’t stop talking about the things his father and grandfather did. You know, regurgitating everything he’s heard from their tales.

It turns out that Mannix was a solider for the Confederacy and Major Warren, the Union. Learning this, Mannix decides to be shady and throws Warren under the bus for once being a wanted man. Warren, being one of the realest, however, makes it known that he joined the Union Army to kill ‘southern cr*ckers.’ At that very moment, I shed a tear and buckled down in my seat; it was obvious the kind of movie I was watching.

Moving along… Our party of five, finally, finds shelter at Minnie’s Haberdashery and it’s here, that matters take a turn. For starters, the caravan is welcomed by a sly man who calls himself Bob ‘The Mexican.’ As if that wasn’t a sign? No one, in the history of existence, named Bob has ever been trustworthy. Ever!

Look at this nigga, you know he up to no good. Dressed like Future and Cookie at the same damn time.

The Hangman and Daisy enter the Haberdashery by kicking in the front door and are politely informed to nail it back shut. O.B., Warren, Mannix, and Bob ‘The Mexican’ follow suit. Once everyone is inside and settled, we are introduced to three additional characters: General Smithers, a n*gga named Oswald, and a sad cowboy named John Gage.

John ‘The Hangman’ engages in a lengthy speech about heading to Red Rock in order to hang this Daisy b*tch and Oswald interjects with a, ‘well, do you have paperwork?’ John responds with a ‘girl bye’ demeanor but Oswald informs that he’s the official ‘Hangman’ of Red Rock. Having overhears such news, Mannix responds, ‘you don’t say, I’m being sworn in as the new Sheriff of Red Rock.’

Major Warren looks across the room, suspiciously, at an old, musty General Smithers collecting dust in front of the fire place. Apparently, Smithers and Warren have a long standing beef stemming from their fight on the battlefield in Baton Rouge. As Smithers boasts about the many n*ggers he killed in that particular battle, he cements himself on Warren’s sh*t list.

Begrudgingly, the characters gather at the community table to eat stew and the issue of Warren’s letter from Lincoln becomes the topic of the discussion. Mannix questions the authenticity of the letter and Warren is forced to come clean. He admits that he uses the fraudulent letter to disarm white people and win their trust. Having ruined his image with John ‘The Hangman,’ Warren leaves the table and finds company in General Smithers.

He so hurt y'all

Warren questions Smithers on how life has been since the war and he replies that he regrets not having communicated with his son in consequent years. Warren releases a chuckle and asks if Smithers wants to know about the day his son died. (Brace yourselves for what’s next.)

Warren tells Smithers that Smithers Jr., his son, was out ‘n*gger hunting’ when they crossed paths. Warren, being such a bad*ss, forces Smithers Jr. to strip down into his birthday suit, in the snow, and forces him to walk for two straight hours in the frozen wilderness. Savage, just savage! When Jr. finally collapses from exhaustion, he begs for a blanket but is compensated with Warren’s meat in his throat.

excuse me?
Excuse me?

On everything, I’m not making this up! Warren tells this old racist that he shoved his big black ‘johnson’ down his son’s throat to keep him warm in the snow. BRUH! Smithers, extremely agitated, makes a move for his gun but Warren shoots him dead before he can pull the trigger.

While everyone is distracted by this conflict, someone poisons the coffee and John ‘The Hangman’ and O.B. find themselves throwing up blood after ingesting the ‘death drink.’ Daisy reveals to a dying John that she saw the coffee being tankered with; John replies, ‘you b*tch” and proceeds to give her the ‘Holly Holm’ business. In other words, John gives Daisy the hands. And, just before he dies, he knocks the teeth out of her mouth. Talk about fighting ’til the end?!

Warren takes charge and forces everyone against a wall, with the exception of Mannix. Together, they conclude that Oswald, John Gage, and Bob ‘The Mexican’ are liars and in cahoots with Daisy.

But wait, there’s more… Warren informs Bob that Minnie, the owner of the Haberdashery, had a sign on the exterior that read, ‘No Dogs or Mexicans’ until she had a change of heart and allowed dogs inside. Afterwards, Warren blows Bob’s face off, and out of nowhere, a shadowy figure under the floorboards shoots Warren in the balls. Oswald takes a shot at Mannx in the hip and ends up taking a bullet to the chest. With everyone but Gage injured, we’re treated to a flashback. As it turns out, Daisy’s brother,  Channing Tatum, is the leader of a notorious gang and arrived at Minnie’s, prior to the arrival of John ‘The Hangman’s.’ He shot Minnie and her employees, leaving only old man Smithers alive, to play along when the caravan arrived. Got it? Cool! Ok! So, flash forward to a bleeding Warren and Mannix demanding whoever is in the basement to come out with their hands up. Following orders, out pops Channing Tatum and, within moments, Warren blows his head off. Tatum had all of two seconds in this film, and I must admit that seeing ‘Magic Mike’ catch the business end of Sam Jackson’s handgun was so satisfying. Extremely so!

With her brother dead, Daisy proposes that Mannix kill Warren and take the bodies as reward. She offered that in doing so, she won’t have her alleged gang of hooligans await their arrival in Red Rock, killing them on sight. Mannix calls her bluff, kills Gage and is coaxed into hanging Daisy, right there in the Haberdashery, to honor the mission of ‘The Hangman.’ The movie ends with Mannix telling Warren that his fake Lincoln letter is well-written and they both bleed to death from their wounds. THE END.

This movie is pretty much Django 2
Basically, this is Django II.
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