I heard you called your doctor in need of random shit and he prescribed ‘Dupp’s Notepad.’ Well, if that’s the case, you should know what’s next! Here, you’ll find a little bit of this and a little bit of that but beware, do not mix this medicine with alcohol, things could get dangerous. Be sure to indulge on a full stomach and if you should have an erection lasting longer than four hours, go back to that damn doctor because I can’t help you with that, bruh!

Ladies, there is nothing wrong with sleeping with a guy on the first night. No, no, no, no, no, I am not being biased, I’m just saying, go ahead and get that shit out of the way. That way, you can figure out if you should keep him (or her) in your life. You know, test drive the car before being legally obligated to pay for it. We’ve all made bad decisions—it’s a part of life—and popping that coochie for a goon on the first night is not one of them;  except, if your name is Damali or Kosi! If your name is either Damali or Kosi, you AIN’T popping a damn thing! Period!

Can I talk to those who practice Catholicism for a moment? What is it about the priest that makes you want to divulge your darkest, deepest, most hidden secrets? I know he is supposed to be your link to God but man, why not go, directly, to the source? Listen bruh, the middle man can take that shit and spin it. Next thing you know, you’re downtown in central booking because he folded under pressure. That, of course, leads to man rape and no one wants to be raped by another man. Uhhh, I’m not sure where I was going with that but I think now is an excellent time to move on. Alrighty then…

At present, the way society is raising our children is terrifying. Listen, if you don’t place 1st, 2nd, or 3rd, sorry buddy, you DO NOT deserve a trophy, a ribbon, an ice cream cone, or a gift certificate. Take your pat on the back and be happy. Since when do you get a trophy for trying? Kids these days are going to grow up with the expectation that they get a reward for anything. And, while I’m at it, what happened to physical education (PE) by the way? And, what do you mean, there’s no dodgeball? Who the hell doesn’t like dodgeball? Oh, the kid that keeps taking multiple balls to the face? Oh ok! (PAUSE) In playing the game, you learn to dip, dive, and dodge things. Imagine if Mayweather wasn’t hit in the face multiple times by that leather ball? His defense wouldn’t be where it is now, I bet you that! Oh and don’t get me started on the lack of discipline from parents these days! I just have to shake my head in disbelief, at all the foolery happening these days! Dodgeball, son? What did dodgeball ever do to you?

Who did you vote for? Seriously, who? Who is the lesser of two evils? I’ve voted but dammit, if we haven’t been spoiled for the last eight years! I’ll be the first to admit, I totally forgot Obama’s time in office would, eventually, end. To be honest, I’m all for Bernie but buddy is super ancient. I think he was alive when FDR was in office and formed ‘The New Deal.’ I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS! Will Hillary garner votes based on her last name? Will Trump ‘snake’ his way into office and force me to move to Canada? Again, I ask, who did you vote for?

Speaking of voting, recently a law was passed that allows Transgendered individuals to choose their restroom of choice. In some ways, I applaud how far we have progressed as a nation but, at the same time, the conservative in me says, ‘what the hell are we doing?’ I attempt to approach a circumstance from all three angles; the right, the left, and the middle. I can see how this provides ‘Trans’ individuals the freedom that is deserved but, on the other hand, what you identify as is your opinion. Ladies and gentlemen, your DNA determines if you are male or female. Your circle can recognize your change or ideals; however, the nation is not required to adhere to your beliefs. I, firmly, believe that no one should be discriminated against but it concerns me that someone will use this as a loophole for their own gain. Today, we are facing new challenges and, truthfully, it’ll be impossible to satisfy everyone. I will never be able to understand what the LGBTQIAP+ community goes through but is this a win? Was it on their radar at all? I find it hard to believe that this change was an essential community goal. Then again, I could be wrong, wouldn’t be the first time!

What am I listening to and what sneaks am I wearing while writing this?

The Roots’, ‘How I Got Over,’ Rittz’s, ‘Next to Nothing,’ and K Camp’s, ‘Only Way is Up.’ And, I’m in the Adidas Sambas. Mix the old with the new and you’ll stay relevant.

Whether you agree, disagree or just want to chime in, contact me at info@thespreadmag.com.

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